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Notes from a workshop given by Lucy Leu, November 20, 1999 -- Summary of workshop by Shelagh Scollin
There are four components to nonviolent communication, as developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg:
- OBSERVATION (free of evaluation or judgment)
- FEELING (true feeling, not judging self or others)
- NEED (or dream or value or hope or want)
- REQUEST (positive, concrete, immediately "do-able")
In a conversation, it is important both to express yourself honestly, and to receive with empathy what the other person is saying.
GIRAFFE TALK
"Giraffe talk" is another way of referring to nonviolent communication.
The giraffe has a big heart, it has a long neck so it is vulnerable, and
it is tall so it can see far into the distance. Let me explain why
these three images are important.
The heart is the symbol of love and care and concern about other people. It is not calculating and analytical, like the brain.
Long neck is a symbol of vulnerability. It's important, when getting into a conversation with someone where you want to bring up a sensitive topic, to show that you are vulnerable first. This helps for two reasons. One is so that they won't think that you are trying to be better than them, and get annoyed or defensive, and the other reason is so that they will feel more comfortable "letting their guard down" too, that is, letting themselves be vulnerable.
Seeing far into the distance represents seeing far into the future. If you are manipulative or threatening or use "guilt-trips" (making someone feel ashamed or guilty if they don't do what you want) to get someone to do what you want, they may do the thing that you want, now. But they will only do it because you forced them to, not because they truly cared about meeting your needs. This may work well in the short-term, but it is terrible in the long-term. The other person will develop an aversion to helping you. They will try to avoid doing anything to help you in the future, and the relationship will suffer.
JACKAL TALK
The opposite of "giraffe talk" is "jackal talk." A jackal
is an animal similar to a wild dog or wolf -- a very nasty animal.
(like Frederick Forsyth's Jackal, or the movie). Jackals don't
care much about other people's feelings. They just want what they
want; they don't care if they have to use or hurt people to get it.
This is the language we usually use (amazingly, jackals speak all languages:
English, Chinese, Japanese, French, Spanish, Arabic, Russian, Zulu, German,
everything but giraffe!). We have learned to speak jackal all of
our lives, so it is going to be difficult to learn to speak giraffe, but
it is very important.
OBSERVATIONS
In our normal language of jackal, when we observe something, we
immediately and automatically judge the situation or person. If someone
says, "bullshit!" when we are talking, we jackals may think one of two
things. Either, "What a rude jerk that person is!" or "I am doing
a bad job presenting this material." Those are judgments, not observations.
An observation would be, "Phil said 'bullshit' as I was talking."
Some other example of evaluations or judgments would be "You only call me when you want to ask for something," "The professor is procrastinating on grading the papers," "You always say that," "My boyfriend hardly ever expresses any affection," "My daughter refuses to clean her room," "Bill is talking too loudly," and "You never call me anymore."
Better formulations of those ideas would be, "The last four times you have called, it has been to ask for a favor," "We handed in the papers a month ago, and the professor has not returned them to us yet," "The last three times we have discussed this issue, you have said the same thing," "In the last month, my boyfriend has only hugged me once," "I have asked my daughter twice to clean her room, and I still see clothes all over the floor and an unmade bed," "Bill is talking in a voice louder than I enjoy hearing," and "You haven't called (or "we haven't spoken") for two months."
Observations are specific, neutral, generally quantifiable, and have clear referents. They try to avoid the use of words such as always, never, hardly ever, and only, preferring instead to use specific and accurate information about the frequency of events.
FEELINGS
Jackals also mix up feelings with judgments. For example,
we may say, "I feel abandoned" or "I feel threatened" or "I feel ugly"
or "I'm feeling incompetent" or "I feel ignored" or "I feel you don't understand
me" (or even "I feel misunderstood.") These are all judgments, not
feelings. They imply that we or other people have done something
bad or that we ourselves are in some way bad. Feelings, as expressed
by GIRAFFES, are emotions we experience
when our needs are being fulfilled (like absorbed, adventurous, affectionate, alert, alive, amazed, amused, animated, appreciative, aroused, astonished, blissful, breathless, buoyant, calm, carefree, cheerful, comfortable, complacent, composed, concerned, confident, contented, cool, curious, dazzled, delighted, eager, ecstatic, effervescent, elated, encouraged, energetic, engrossed, enlivened, enthusiastic, excited, exhilarated, expansive, expectant, exultant, fascinated, free, friendly, fulfilled, glad, gleeful, glorious, glowing, good-humored, grateful, gratified, groovy, happy, helpful, hopeful, inquisitive, inspired, intense, interested, intrigued, invigorated, involved, joyful, jubilant, keyed-up, loving, mellow, merry, mirthful, moved, optimistic, overjoyed, overwhelmed, peaceful, pleasant, proud, quiet, radiant, rapturous, refreshed, relieved, satisfied, secure, sensitive, spellbound, splendid, stimulated, surprised, tender, thankful, thrilled, touched, tranquil, trusting, warm, wide-awake, wonderful, zestful)
or when our needs are NOT being fulfilled (like afraid, aggravated, agitated, alarmed, aloof, angry, anguished, annoyed, anxious, apathetic, apprehensive, averse, beat, bitter, blah, blue, bored, breathless, brokenhearted, chagrined, cold, concerned, confused, cool, cross, dejected, depressed, despairing, despondent, detached, disappointed, discouraged, disgruntled, disgusted, disheartened, dismayed, displeased, disquieted, distressed, disturbed, downcast, dull, edgy, embarrassed, embittered, exasperated, exhausted, fatigued, fearful, fidgety, forlorn, frightened, frustrated, furious, gloomy, grief-stricken, guilty, heavy, helpless, hesitant, horrified, horrible, hostile, hot, humdrum, hurt, impatient, indifferent, inert, intense, irate, irked, irritated, jealous, jittery, keyed-up, lazy, lethargic, listless, lonely, mad, mean, melancholic, miserable, mopey, nervous, nettled, overwhelmed, passive, perplexed, pessimistic, puzzled, rancorous, reluctant, repelled, resentful, restless, sad, scared, sensitive, shaky, shocked, skeptical, sleepy, sorrowful, sorry, sour, spiritless, startled, surprised, suspicious, tepid, terrified, tired, troubled, uncomfortable, unconcerned, uneasy, unglued, unhappy, unnerved, unsteady, upset, uptight, vexed, weary, withdrawn, woeful, worried, wretched).
Not all of these need to be expressed out loud. Sometimes it just helps to be able to identify our feelings to ourselves, to put a name on them.
NEEDS
Needs are the third component of nonviolent communication.
When we articulate our needs, we have taken responsibility for our feelings
instead of blaming them on someone else. Instead of saying, as jackals
would say, "You make me angry when you interrupt me when I'm talking,"
we can say, as giraffes would say, "When I hear you talking while I'm talking,
I feel frustrated because I NEED to know that you respect my views."
Do you see the difference?
Acknowledging our needs, even to ourselves, makes a huge difference, because it helps us realize that we alone are responsible for our feelings. No one can make us feel a certain way. We feel a certain way because of the needs we have, for things like autonomy, respect, appreciation, consideration, love, support, safety, rest, food, water, shelter, touch, order, peace, warmth, acceptance, meaning, purposeful activity, growth, competence, reassurance, effectiveness, self-expression, connectedness, honesty, empathy, understanding, and to make a contribution to life.
When people say something in anger, they are just trying to express a need, but they don't know how. Part of nonviolent communication, or giraffe talk, is understanding what jackals are trying to say. Giraffes are able to interpret jackal talk into their own language, and hear the need beneath what another person says. So, for example, "She has no right to tell me what to wear!" may indicate a need for independence and self-expression. Likewise, "They are so self-centered--they didn't even notice that I cleaned the house for them while they were out!" may indicate a need for recognition, appreciation, and/or acknowledgment.
REQUESTS
A request should be positive, concrete, and immediately do-able.
Requests generally start with "Would you be willing to . . . " or,
if it's not something that can be done right now, "Would you be willing
to agree to . . . " There has to be an opportunity for a yes or a
no answer. Positive means you are asking them to DO something rather
than NOT to do something. Concrete means tangible, so that there
can be some evidence of their having done it. "Would you be willing
to think about . . . ?" is not really concrete. A better question would
be, "Would you be willing to agree to meet sometime to discuss . . . ?"
Immediately do-able is to prevent their saying yes, and then not doing
what you have asked. So instead of asking, "Will you mow the lawn
today?" you could say, "Would you be willing to AGREE to mow the lawn sometime
today?" Then, they can agree right now, and then mow the lawn later.
Difference between a request and a demand: Sometimes the difference is obvious: "Shut up!" vs. "Would you be willing to let me talk for a minute?" Other times, it is less obvious. Sometimes you can't tell if something is a request or a demand right away, until you hear the response when the other person says "no." If the first speaker is willing to take "no" for an answer, then it was a request.
Shelagh: "Taka, would you help me carry these boxes out to
my car?"
Taka: "I can't right now, I have to finish this paper by 5:15 and
it's now 4:45."
Shelagh: "Thanks a lot, Taka, I thought you were my friend."
In that case, my question was a demand.
Something to remember when making a request: Instead of being focused on the goal or your recommended solution or desired outcome, it's better to think of the person. People actually like helping other people as long as they are doing it freely. You want to inspire that person to WANT to meet your need. The minute you try to make the other person feel forced to do something, or shamed into it, they will resent you and they will be reluctant to do anything for you, then or in the future. Sometimes, because of our history with the people in our lives, they have become accustomed to our use of these tactics and it may take a while to bring a "giraffe understanding" into the relationship. It takes time, but it is worth it in the long run.
Because human beings enjoy meeting other people's needs as long as it is done by their own free choice, a request ("Would you be willing to . . . ") is actually a gift of an opportunity to make someone's life wonderful. Think about that for a minute. A REQUEST is a GIFT. I think that's really profound. Recognizing that someone who has made a request is actually giving us a gift, a chance to make their lives wonderful, means being grateful for the gift of that opportunity, even if we are not able to take advantage of that opportunity.
Observations, feelings, needs, and requests are the building blocks of nonviolent communication. It also involves expressing honestly and receiving with empathy. If we can work on these skills, our interpersonal relationships will benefit immensely.